Overcoming Codependency involves identifying symptoms and taking positive ACTION
Overcoming Codependency does NOT involve anticipating the needs of others.
Anticipating the needs of others is just one of the crippling symptoms of Codependency.
If we feel bad that the needs of another have not been met, there is a good chance that we have this sickness present within our beingness.
Some of us have been told that we should try to guess what another person needs or wants and then give it to them.
Some of us were made to feel guilty or were subjected to mental, emotional, physical or spiritual abuse if we did not correctly guess what the other person needs or wants.
Overcoming this codependency disorder has been an essential part of my recovery. As a result of going to Codependents Anonymous Meetings and reading codependency books, I have discovered that I was riddled with codependency. Anticipating the needs of others played a big role within the totality of my Dis-Ease.
It seems that this element of my codependency is connected to approval seeking and an unhealthy need to be loved my other humans.
How do we detect that we are playing this game?
It has been pointed out to me that if another person needs or wants something, it is up to them to ask for it. Some people are too proud or feel shame as the result of asking for what they need or want but that is not my problem. That is their problem. I need not live my life playing the game of guessing other people's needs. We will go crazy trying to do this.
The flip side of this is that when we are trying to guess the needs and wants of others, we feel shame if we do not succeed. Not regular shame, but deep toxic shame which has no value in recovery.
Being free of issues that are not my business
Some people can also think that they are unloved because their needs and wants are not correctly anticipated. I have been told that these kinds of people are also suffering with the disease of codependency.
I am not responsible if my partner feels unloved as the result of me not guessing some healthy or unhealthy need she has.
- If someone wants a back rub, they can ask
- If my partner wants sex, she can say something about it
- If my partner wants a new DVD player she can ask, not drop hints about her broken DVD player
- If someone wants a lift in my car, they can ask
- If a member of the household wants ice-cream while I am at the fridge they can speak up
Today I only offer to do something if I really want to do it. If I did not offer and the other person asks me for something does not necessarily mean that I will do it either.
If I lose friends or lovers as the result of this type of assertiveness, then they are not the kind of people that I require in my recovery. This type of positive, empowering action has filtered out of my life those people who do not contribute to the process of my personal growth and has attracted real friends instead.
This enlightenment and the courage to take action, has enabled me to experience the new freedom that 12 Step Programs promise.
If I am experiencing too much disapproval and abuse as a result of taking the correct healthy actions, it could mean that the relationship is too sick. It is probably time to terminate the codependent relationship and move on.
Codependency help listings and information.
