I'm writing this 25 minutes after midnight on the first day of the new year, 2006. Today I attended my first AA meeting in about 8 months.
I am only 26, but I've spent at least 9 years of my life drinking and using marijuana and the from the age of 21 to 25 I was a very heavy drinker.
I've hit rock bottom a number of times, each time getting progressively worse after which I would usually move to a new town, change jobs and attempt to clean up on wake up at 2 in the morning with the sweats.
My self esteem was the lowest it's ever been to the point that I couldn't look people in the eye. I completely shut people out of my life because I felt that they got in the way of my drinking and I didn't want anyone to see what I'd become.
For years I had no friends, no girlfriends, and barely kept in touch with my family. I worked and I drank, being careful to give myself 8 hours or more to restlessly pass out before I woke up, threw up, and then went to back work.
After work and the weekends were fair game and I isolated myself in my room behind locked doors, with my phone unplugged, drinking alone and contemplating suicide. At some point during this foggy time in my life my parents got divorced after more than 27 years of marriage.
My mom had finally had enough of my dad's own alcoholism, a problem earned him three DUI's (a 4th was thrown out), a month in jail, and had always hung like a shadow over our family.
For most of my childhood my dad struggled with his problem and succeeded in mostly hiding it from us until I was about 17 or 18 when he became my drinking buddy. I felt closer to him then I ever had because while under the influence we could actually talk together for the first time.
Of course then we also shared a mutual secret from my non-drinking mother which was kind of exciting at the time, but is what I think helped to drive a wedge further into my family.
Meanwhile back in the military I finally went to my superiors at work and told them of my uncontrollable drinking. I was so good at hiding my drinking that no one I worked with had a clue.
The military gave me an option, rehab or Honorable discharge if I refused. The only reason an Honorable discharge was offered VS a dishonorable one was because I had somehow managed to avoid getting in trouble- probably because I'd stayed locked in my room all of that time.
The small shred of rational thought that still remained in my soggy brain told me that I should go to rehab but the alcoholic part of me wasn't ready yet and blamed the military for all of my troubles.
I took the discharge and returned to live with my mom while I tried to get my life back together. I quit drinking and started making plans to return to college but I still hadn't fully hit rock bottom yet.
One night after I'd been sober for almost 30 days I went to the bar on a bored whim, met a bunch of old high school friends and had a great time while I got trashed and later drove home drunk. The next weekend I did it all over again but this time as I drove home I crashed my car into a moving train. The car was totaled but somehow I walked away without a scratch, however I spent that night in jail and received my first DUI.
My mom continued to let me stay with her because I lied and told her I learned my lessen (for the millionth time) but in reality I'd decided that I would never be able to stay sober so I might as well give in. This lasted for month as I drank daily and playing the hiding game with my mom and it finally culminated with me trashing a room in my mom's house and sitting in the bathtub with a knife sobbing and thinking about killing myself.
The next day she kicked me out. All I had was my car, some cloths, a negative balance in my bank account and a bad case of the shakes. That night I went to AA and I went every night for months.
I liked AA, I liked hearing the stories of people who shared the same experiences, I liked how people would tell me to "always come back." But I would never show up early to a meeting or hang around after it was over to really get to know the people.
I was still isolating and as a result I never felt like I completely belonged. Even though I read the big book I didn't even try to work the steps and I never bothered to find a sponsor but I stayed sober anyway. When I moved to a new town to start college I drifted away from the meetings.
My life was good, I was sober, so I decided that I was strong enough to be one of those people who could stay sober without the program. I got my life back on track, I found a job, I got financial aid for school and started taking classes again.
I joined a gym lost weight and became physically fit. I found self confidence again, I could look myself in the mirror and as a result I was lucky enough to meet a beautiful and kind-hearted girl. Despite all of these fortunate things that sobriety had brought to my life, three weeks ago I relapsed after almost a year sober.
I guess some old-timers might say that I was a time bomb waiting to go off. The morning before the relapse if someone had told me that by that evening I'd be getting drunk I would've laughed and said that it would never happen. I was convinced that I'd completely lost the urge to drink. Why would I be so stupid to shoot myself in the foot when my life was going so well?
Three weeks later and I was back to a case or more of beer a day almost like I'd never stopped. I drove drunk a number of times (to buy more beer, of course) but through dumb luck I somehow escaped a second DUI.
I lied to my girlfriend for the first time since we'd been together and came within a hairs breadth of loosing her forever. So tonight I returned to AA after one day of sobriety, hoping I can stop this thing before I go all the way to the bottom because I don't know if I'd survive another fall.
I'd like to say that I've learned the error of my ways and this time around I'll unquestioningly embrace the AA philosophy but I can't say that for sure. Would I still have a year of sobriety if I'd never left AA to begin with? I can't say that for sure either, all I can say with certainty is that tonight I went to a meeting and I hope I can go again tomorrow.
Todd R.
